Unfortunately, your relationship isn’t evolving as wonderfully as you imagined.
Instead of roses and romance, it’s Netflix and nachos (of which we’re big fans — just not all the time).
If so, you may have landed a minimal-effort guy or gal — someone who doesn’t go out of their way to enrich your relationship but doesn’t sabotage it, either.
How do you know if you’ve landed in one of these low-investment unions?
That’s what we’re unpacking below.
What are the minimum expectations in a relationship?
And is that minimum enough for you?
What Does Bare Minimum Mean in a Relationship?
We all want to cultivate friendly and romantic relationships that satisfy our emotional needs. Ideally, we wish the people in our lives to be:
But life is complicated, and everyone can’t be everything at all times. People have their good moments and bad.
When things get rough, so long as respect doesn’t disappear, most solid relationships can weather the storm.
Rough patches happen to everyone, and most long-term partnerships go through a period where they’re hanging on by a thread.
But “bare minimum” unions are something else.
Essentially, they’re functional but unfulfilling relationships wherein one or both parties never go above and beyond.
Common examples of the dynamic include:
- No cheating, but no romance
- No disrespect, but no extra effort
- No abuse, but no genuine compassion
- No unnecessary obstacles but no authentic support
Bare Minimum in a Relationship: 21 Expectations You Should Have
Looking for examples of the bare minimum in a relationship? We’re about to detail a bunch.
But first, let’s tweak the definition of “bare minimum.” Instead of discussing it as something negative, let’s look at 21 things that must be present to have a satisfying relationship. The bare minimum of happiness, if you will.
We’re not talking to the polyamorous population or people in open relationships. But for those who want a traditional commitment, infidelity should be a deal breaker.
Otherwise, the relationship becomes corroded, paranoia takes hold, and stress becomes your emotional conductor.
2. No Name Calling
Hurling slurs at a partner is demeaning, disrespectful, and, quite frankly, dumb. Simply stated: It’s not okay. Not when things are fine, not when someone is drunk, and not at the nadir of a heated argument. It’s intolerable.
Whether it’s to spare someone’s feelings, avoid unnecessary conversations, or keep someone else’s secret, we all tell little lies every so often.
But you can’t maintain a healthy relationship with someone constantly burping up whopper-sized fallacies.
4. Financial Respect
We’re not suggesting that you shouldn’t date or marry someone who doesn’t make more than you. However, partnering with someone who always takes your money and never contributes is unwise. It’s a form of financial abuse.
5. No Abuse
Abuse is an automatic deal breaker. If someone lays their hands on you, get out. If someone hurls inexcusable slurs at you, find the door and go through it.
Don’t convince yourself that you can change them or that they didn’t mean it. If they did it once, they’d do it again.
6. No Hiding You
If your partner doesn’t want to be seen with you in public, it’s a problem. There’s a good chance they’re lying about their relationship status, and you may be the “side game.”
Another possibility is that they’re embarrassed to be seen with you for superficial, problematic reasons. Either way, run.
7. No Flirting With Your Friends
Sure, some people are natural flirts, but it’s disrespectful when your partner does it in front of your face. It’s not innocent or just a “good time” — it’s rude. And if they’re making googly eyes at your friends and colleagues, consider it a massive red flag.
8. Relationship Status Respect
Balance is the backbone of every healthy partnership; one party shouldn’t hijack the relationship. A partner who expects their desires and whims to supersede yours at all times is not worth keeping.
If they go so far as to try and gaslight you into thinking you’re being needy because you expect equal billing, consider closing this relationship chapter.
9. Logistical Respect
You shouldn’t be the one always bending your schedule to accommodate them. Sure. Sometimes one person has more flexibility than the other.
But repeatedly bearing the financial and logistical responsibility of traveling and driving breeds resentment. It should also make you question why they can’t make an effort and what that says about their feelings for you.
Everything is going great; then, apropos of nothing, you don’t hear from them for over a week. They fall off the face of the Earth. When they resurface, and you object to their behavior, they try to distort the situation, making you out to be the “bad guy.”
It’s fine if your partner can’t see you for an extended period due to work, health, or family obligations. But they shouldn’t keep you in the dark when those times arise.
11. Room for Personal Beliefs
Dating people who share your core beliefs is common — birds of a feather and all that. But sharing fundamental values doesn’t mean you’ll agree about everything, and partners should respect those differences.
If either of you can’t respectfully handle the viewpoint of the other, it may be time to consider whether the relationship will last.
12. Intimacy Respect
Being in a romantic partnership doesn’t mean one party has the right to demand intimacy. No means no. Coercion and rape are inexcusable. The golden rule is to respect other people’s physical boundaries. No exceptions.
13. Professional Support
If you and your significant other agreed that one person would be the earner and the other would handle home life, then godspeed. The key is that you made a mutual decision.
Problems arise, however, if one person doesn’t support the professional dreams of the other. Maintaining a satisfying union means buttressing each other while you each pursue your goals.
14. Diet Respect
How obnoxious and annoying is it when someone lectures you on what you should eat? What about when someone forces you to try things? Shaming a partner over their diet is a form of disrespect.
To clarify, we’re not talking about encouraging your partner to eat healthier in the face of medical issues or lead a more balanced life. But problems rear their judgy head when it becomes a point of shame and guilt.
15. Cultural Respect
It’s rude to disparage a partner’s culture. If someone has a serious problem with your worldview or background, they’re likely not a good match. You don’t want or need to waste time defending your traditions and lifestyle.
16. Open Communication
Communication is vital. A lack of it will cremate your coupledom and make it crumble like the Wicked Witch of the West. Being open and discussing issues is a bare minimum relationship requirement.
Alone time is essential to maintain proper mental health. Not only that, but you decide how to spend your self-care hours. Without that freedom — that personal right — you’ll suffocate.
A restrictive relationship where you must be on-call for your partner at all times is not worth the effort and will only lead to deep-seated resentment.
18. Friendship Freedom
Barring dangerous situations, partners should never be in control of who you can and cannot befriend. Just as you get to dictate how to spend your alone time, you have the right to pick your pals.
A significant other who tries to control your social life is a grenade with a faulty pin.
Life is the polar opposite of easy. Everyone must navigate challenging situations, complex relationships, and rough seasons. Expecting perfection from loved ones amounts to cruelty.
Nobody should be held to impossible standards. As such, grace is a critical component of any romance.
20. Healthy Relationship With Vices
Addiction is nefarious, complicated, and often illogical. Resultantly, it’s challenging, draining, and time-consuming. And yes, supporting loved ones who are addressing dangerous vices is vital.
But you’re under no obligation to maintain a romantic union with someone who refuses to acknowledge that they have a problem.
21. A Sense of Humor
Without humor, life would be unbearable. The same goes for relationships. When a couple can laugh with each other, at each other, and, perhaps most important, at themselves, things quickly become fraught.
Understanding each other’s funny bones is vital to avoid hurt feelings.
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Is the Bare Minimum Enough in a Relationship?
Is it bad to be in a relationship where the bare minimum is all that’s required? Truth be told, only you have the answer. Some people want a low-key union where neither partner gives too much of themselves.
And that’s not necessarily selfish. Some people are just wired that way, and two similarly circuited people can find a lot of satisfaction in a “bare minimum union.”
Other folks, however, want more than the bare minimum. They want someone who sees them fully, loves them unconditionally, and goes the extra mile to make their affection clear.
How to Do More Than the Bare Minimum in a Relationship
Looking for ways to let your partner know how much you care? Let’s look at a few ideas.
1. Be More Compassionate
Life pelts us with things over which we have no control, and sometimes they cause a domino effect resulting in poor choices and bad behavior.
When people in our lives forgive our proverbial trespasses and always choose compassion when presented with the choice, life is a lot more manageable.
Signal to your partner that your affection and devotion are pure by letting compassion guide your actions.
2. Make a Grand Gesture
Empty, shallow grand gestures are nothing to celebrate. But putting thought and energy into a big gift, surprise, or event for your partner is a great way to show how much you care.
Remember not to plan something tailored to your tastes. Cater to your partner’s preferences.
3. Pick a Special Thing You Do for Them
An excellent way to demonstrate your love and go above and beyond the bare minimum is to establish a “love task” you regularly do for your partner.
It could be something as simple as making them coffee or lunch daily or as grand as planning a special vacation for them yearly.
4. Support Them During the Most Difficult Times
Fair-weather fans are a bummer — as are fair-weather partners. Commitment means supporting your partner through the good times and bad.
Signal that your dedication rises above basement level by being a sail in windy weather.
5. Treat Them for No Reason
Relationships rooted in materialism frequently turn toxic. However, treating your special someone to a gift once in a while lets them know how much they’re loved.
People who stick to the bare minimum rarely go out of their way to give of themselves, emotionally or materially.
6. Help With Family Obstacles
Is one of your partner’s parents sick? Did their sibling get in a car accident and need help?
Lending a hand in these situations demonstrates that you’re in it through thick and thin and that you’re willing to go above and beyond to make their world as manageable as possible. Just make sure people don’t start taking advantage of your kindness.
7. Work on Yourself
One of the best ways to show up fully in your relationship is to work on yourself. Tackle your shadow self. Acknowledge your faults, make peace with them, and work on improving.
Address any trauma lurking in your emotional caverns. The better you feel about yourself, your past, and the road you’re now paving, the more present and giving you’ll be with your partner.
Every person is different, as is every relationship. What works for you may not work for someone else. Setting your ground floor is a matter of personal preference.
Just make sure you don’t compromise your self-respect and values. Relationships that don’t have a net positive are rarely worth pursuing.