“Some of what creates sexual disconnection in any scenario is misinformation, brought to you by almost any screen you’ve ever watched. You may be one of those people who walks down the street with every sixth thought being sexual. You may be partnered with someone who never has a sexual thought walking down that same street. The world often divides into these two groups, known as spontaneous and responsive sexual styles, and they usually partner with someone from the other group. Both are completely normal, but the spontaneous style is often the only one that is known.
For responsive people, context is everything. Fatigue, preoccupation with a worry about a child, or a work deadline are total buzzkills. Another prominent feature of this group is that sexual desire tends to show up after they’re engaged in touching. The biggest mistake people make is to assume that sexual desire should always be a prerequisite. This mistake leads to much lost opportunity!
‘I’m not in the mood’ is not an uncommon thought for a responsive person. However, ‘What could put me in the mood to be open to engage in physical touch?’ opens up possibilities. Perhaps a conversation, a shared glass of wine or cup of tea, a foot massage, a hot bath, or your partner putting the kids to bed could change the context. There’s a bridge between where your head is at the moment and where it could be—you just have to build it.”
— Deborah J. Fox, MSW, sex therapist and couples’ counselor