A Psychotherapist Explains How To Know What's *Actually* Behind Your Anger


I’d been doing some work with myself in front of the mirror and thinking about loneliness. At the time I’d been staying in Detroit with the Pistons, away from my wife and kids. I love working with the guys. I feel joy in that. But in the afternoons after practice, I typically drive to my apartment and know I won’t engage face-to-face with another person until the next morning. At first I didn’t think of this situation as problematic. I love my job. I like spending time with myself. I know my wife has everything handled at home. But something started bubbling up. 

So I had to sit with myself, look at myself in the mirror, turn off the music, turn off the media, and think, What am I feeling? The best description I could think of was lonely. I felt lonely, maybe for the first time in my life. On that phone call, I was able to direct myself into silence.

I stopped talking, reminding myself of my earlier conversation with myself, and said—that’s loneliness. I was able to bring the true feeling forward into consciousness. That’s powerful, because doing so can stop me from entering a tense conversation or even an argument. I don’t have to tell the other person what’s going on. I can choose to share that information or not. I might even end the call with, “Hey, this isn’t the best time for me to talk. Can we talk tomorrow?” But I had access to the truth of what was going on. And from that awareness, I could move with intention.


Source link