Love isn’t just an emotion, it’s a state of being.
The points in this article are designed to help you gain a greater understanding of how to express and explore your love for your partner in ways that she feels on a deeper level than ever before.
1: Start fresh.
First thing’s first, you’re probably going to come into a relationship with preconceived notions. It’s natural. We all have a past that has taught us valuable lessons and led us to where we are today.
While remembering those lessons, you must make your primary goal to start fresh and learn about the woman who has now captured your heart.
Let go of your assumptions. Let go of the memories of other people’s actions. Let go of the image of her you’ve created inside your mind — and explore who she is at her core.
There are lessons in her heart and mind that can only be learned by making her feel safe enough to reveal them to you. This safety comes along with knowing that you’re falling in love with her, and not just the idea of her.
2: Make consistency a priority.
Love is not a part time commitment. You’re either in, or you’re out.
Too often do I hear stories from clients and readers that men were hot and cold, or came in with guns-a-blazin’ only to fizzle away after a month or two.
In order to properly love a woman, you must understand that it is a commitment you make for the duration of the relationship. And proper love has no expiration date.
Is everyone looking to get married? To have a life partner? To have a family?
No, of course not.
But, if you are, the only option is to show your partner the same level of love and consistency in 10 years as you’re doing today.
You need to maintain your car if you want it to keep running. You need to stoke your fire if you want to keep burning. You need to care for your body and mind if you want them to stay healthy.
Love, like any other important thing in life, requires your consistent time and effort in order to stay alive.
3: See her for who she truly is.
She may be an executive, or a mother, or a business owner, or an athlete, or…all of the above.
But, before all of this, she is a woman. She is a woman with wants, needs, desires, fears, fantasies, insecurities…just like the rest of us.
We often get caught up in how someone presents themselves, what they do for a living, or the position they hold in a family or social group — and we forget that they are people, first.
People are intricate and complex. We operate on multiple levels and present different pieces of ourselves in different parts of our lives.
To truly love a person is to truly understand who they are and why they do what they do.
To see them below the surface of what everyone else sees.
To look beyond the job, the family, the makeup, the nails — and see her in a way that nobody else ever has.
That woman beneath it all is the one whom you must pledge to love, for that is the most raw and authentic version of her.
4: Be willing to get “emotionally naked.”
If she is serious about building a real relationship and a life with you, she wants to feel connected to you.
Connection is built through vulnerability.
Have you ever watched a movie or television scene where someone is feeling insecure, and another actor begins revealing their own insecurities to this person in order to help ease their tension?
That’s an example of how connection stems from vulnerability.
If we show her that we’re willing to open up to her and reveal our insecurities and secrets to her, it shows that she can trust us because we are trusting her not to use this information against us.
Obviously, this doesn’t mean constantly complaining about yourself, tearing yourself down, and being self-loathing. There’s nothing attractive about any of that.
What it does mean is showing her that you’re willing to be emotionally naked with her — which means much more than just physical nakedness.
5: Earn (and then keep) her trust.
Trust is not something that is simply gifted to someone because attraction exists. Trust must be earned, and then it must be maintained.
I believe one of the core factors of love is trust, because if you don’t inherently trust someone, you can never fully, truly love them.
In order to properly love a woman, you must trust — and be trusted in return.
How do you do this?
- Always say what you mean, and mean what you say.
- Support her when she needs it.
- Never judge, demean, or ridicule.
- Always “fight” fair.
- Always make sure your words and actions are aligned.
- Be there when she wants you to be.
- Introduce her to family and friends (hiding them hints at secrecy).
- Never lie to her, she will find out if you do.
6: Remember that healthy love is rooted in freedom, not restriction.
Those with a lack of experience in love will think it means constant togetherness. This lies in an insecurity that says “If I’m not always with her, maybe she’ll forget me or lose interest.”
Secure, mature love, though, encourages and supports two individuals being in a relationship together.
Individuals with their own passions, interests, hobbies, and friends.
Can they overlap and intersect? Of course! It’s fantastic to share your interests with your partner and partake in theirs, as well.
But, being too attached or spending too much time together can dilute how special your connection really is.
Showing her that you trust her and the relationship enough to give space to breathe can actually bring you closer together.
If she feels too pressured, suffocated, or held back — it will only cause her to pull away from you.
7: Be PATIENT.
Everyone moves at their own pace — both physically and emotionally.
Loving someone is about giving them the time and space to grow into the relationship in ways that work for them. This doesn’t just mean sexually — but emotionally and mentally as well.
We’ve all heard that “love is patient, love is kind,” but how many of us really think of it on a daily basis?
We have our own challenges, struggles, and obligations in life. Sometimes, it’s hard to consider someone else’s feelings over our own — but that’s exactly what love does.
Patience is the oxygen that allows love to breathe. It gives love the space to grow and develop as it should and it encourages love to take its time while it settles into its new home — your relationship.
Plus, if you’re truly serious about building a long term relationship with someone…what’s the rush?
8: Prioritize intimacy.
Yes, intimacy means sex, but it also means so much more than that.
Real intimacy is built through emotional connection. It lives in the small things you do for someone without them asking.
Doing things to make their life easier.
Picking up that thing they needed at the store.
Truly listening and engaging during your meaningful conversations.
Hugging. Holding hands. Kissing her forehead.
Understanding what she needs and desires in order to feel true connection to you.
That is what leads to a deeper bond than a physical attraction could ever build. And, the physical attraction will be strengthened to new heights because of it.
If you don’t prioritize intimacy — not just having sex — then the connection between you can fade over time. You’ll lose not just the emotional, but physical connection, and drift apart.
Intimacy, in all of its forms, is at the foundation of love.
9: Work on YOURSELF.
How can you properly love a woman if you, yourself, are not a happy and fulfilled man?
You’ll always be battling your own insecurities, misinterpreting what is said, and be on the defensive — all of which put up walls between you and your partner.
Working on yourself shows that you are serious about living a long, happy, and fulfilling life.
She wants you to be around for all of those things.
If she wants a life with you, she wants that life to be as long as possible.
Allowing your mental or physical health (or both) to fall by the wayside hurts the chances of that happening.
Also, if you won’t take the time to care for yourself, why would she believe you can care for her?
We must pledge to learn, grow, and develop along the journey. This is how we stay interesting. This is how we stay sharp. This is how we stay attractive.
We cannot fall behind the paces of life, for we risk becoming an artifact of the man we once were.
Consistently show her you value and respect yourself, and it will be easier for her to do the same.
10: Forget “what women want” and focus on what SHE wants.
There is only one person on the planet who can tell you what the woman in your life wants and needs — and that’s her.
If you do everything else here properly, it will lead to a relationship that thrives on open and honest communication.
It will empower you both to approach both your agreements, and disagreements, with clear minds and kind hearts.
You will feel safe speaking, listening, and interacting with each other in all ways.
When you enjoy this level of love, the thoughts and feelings flow freely.
She can communicate your deepest desires, wants, needs, and even dislikes.
And she knows you will welcome them all with open arms, and open mind, and an open heart.
Because that’s what real love does.
I originally published this article on Medium.com
Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.